This in response to
The pain of parenthood, with all respect intended.
You commented on my post, and, as a matter of politeness, I came over to read your post. As I got to writing, I came to the realization that I had gone into overdrive - so, as is my habit, I wrote a post, instead - rather than crowd out the original post. As I write this, I write with only the best intentions.
My sons are only 16 and 17, and the differences in our stories are not quite the same in many respects - the boys are split/shift between the ex and me, and we're 15 minutes' drive from each other - but maybe my $0.02 in the tray might help?
I know that the one thing I had the hardest time dealing with, until I hit the quarter-century mark in age, was being perceived as a "girl", rather than as a "woman". My mom would speak to others, referring to me [the youngest of two] as her 'baby', etc.
Written letters would make comments along the lines of, "What am I going to do with this kid?" - said 'kid' was of age to vote, enlist in the military, drink, open a bank account...
My Mom - in trying to reach out to me, sang "Delta Dawn" - opening verse, "She's forty-one and her momma still calls her 'baby'"...that always seemed to irritate me a bit...
At about the age of 26 or 28, she stopped addressing me with eyes that still saw me from diapers to diplomas, and began to speak to me as she would speak to a younger sister - still protective, but as an adult in my own right.
I have a ring I'm wearing that has, emblazoned on it, "Always My Daughter...Now Too My Friend" - I've worn it for so long that some of the letters are getting hard to make out.
I'm closing in on 40 right now. Now you and I both know that we, at 18-23, maybe weren't quite "grown-ups" in the way we now wear that title - and well, perhaps, it isn't really expected, is it?
Still, I know that - with my sons - I developed the habit of addressing - and perceiving them - more as young adults than "boys" by the time they entered high school - in writing I'll refer to them as Eldest and Youngest - and in the walking world, I'll share input with my sons on a regular basis: addressing them in a fashion that I wanted to be addressed for so long of time.
Little things, too: I know that my oldest has a keen sense of direction, so, when driving to town, I'd ask him to point me the shortest route to a given destination. I know my youngest has an unbelievable set of math skills, so when I'm trying to figure out the budget for the week, I'll ask if I can, "borrow your brain?" and I'll recite what amounts of money have to go in which direction.
I'll ask their opinions on several matters, and I encourage theirs on mine, as well. Sometimes I get the typical, "How the heck should I know???" response - but, more often than not, their input has grown to become quite useful in many matters.
Then, there's the heavy topics that cause the parental balk. Here's one: chores!
Well, for chores, I'll state, "While I'm working on ___________, can I borrow you to _________? Thanks!" - much in the same fashion I would address my older sister as she visits, or the husband, or any of my friends who visit. When the chores are complete, I'll say, again, "Thanks! That made it easier!"
They take note of it, and respond accordingly.
Then, there's the heavier ones..."What are Your Plans for the Future?" - yikes! - and I've broken that ground by telling not just my sons, but having them hear me telling my friends, "Listen: don't be a screw-up like me. This/these are the way/s I screwed up..." and I'd tell, in the midst of rambling, how I'd screwed up/screwed off during my high school and early college years - and how I'm still paying for it. I've four young friends who are in college, working towards their goals.
Eldest has been contacted by colleges everywhere, even though he is still a junior in high school...so he must be doing something right!
Sure, we get our moody moments. Eldest will tell me he needs a bit of space - and I'll reply, "Well, whenever/whatever - I've got a fair pair of ears if you need to borrow 'em" - and [occasionally - but not constantly or consistently] I'll follow up with, "hugs" [not a hug - but saying the word, "hugs" - it's an inside joke of sorts] - the same way they've seen me address my Mom, friends, and e-pals.
They do seem to respond better than I did at the same age/stage.
There is no way to peel back time and all, but there is a way to move forward together. Sorry my response was so incredibly long - but I just figured this one might be a help to you.
Who knows: maybe to others. At any rate...
Cheers!
Comments (6)
I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to follow the link. I appreciate the advice. Parenting isn't always easy, and it's nice to have input from someone else, especially since my son's father has no input whatsoever.
It's those future plans that we're trying to work out, along with taking a little more responsibility in managing his finances. Actually, since then he has mentioned a couple of places that he wants to apply at, and asked for help in getting together his resume.
I enjoyed being a stay at home mom, until the divorce, when I suddenly had to get back full time into the workplace. Limited in what skills I had to offer, I'm not exactly at a job where I can advance. I never did finish up college, and that has been a hindrance for me. To see my son drop out of college was hard. To see him stay at a job that I know he doesn't like, with no chance to advance is also hard.
I try to remember a friend of mine who has worked ever since he was 15 when his father passed away. I try to remember that 21 is young enough where you can still make some mistakes and try a bunch of different jobs until you find where you feel comfortable. I try, but sometimes I forget.
Thanks for adding your 2 cents. Everyone has something to teach us, and I appreciate you caring enough to offer the advice of your own life experiences.
@jo63psalm - We each have had the "aww, crap" moments...I know I'm in an "I'm not going anywhere" position where I work...I went from being a high school dropout to picking up my G.E.D. and attending college...to becoming a college dropout. Though I did manage to stay steadily employed for 25 years in various positions, I know it's been a constant race to meet the next bill.
I not only tell my sons of my experiences - but I show them, and let them know just when and where I screwed up - and, thus far, I see that they are each doing what they can to dodge the same screw-ups I've made.
Your son's likely stronger and smarter than he gives himself credit for, much the same as I and as my sons are...but then again, strong is what you become when strong is the only place you've got.
It's good to note that he's looking to broaden his beginnings, and it's also good to note - especially in these weird times - that he's gainfully employed. There's a lot to be said for accentuating the positive.
Wonderful to hear [read?] back from you, and thanks for stopping by. Take care of you - you're the only you you've got :)
Sweetie,..at forty,..you'll still be a sweet young thing!!
I KNOW!! OH HOW I know!!
@Stanelle - *Hugs* yeap, I'm still a kid at heart, and every day holds the potential for something new to learn. Fear not, I still know when to wear my grown-up hat...and when to put on my Mickey Mouse ears ^_^
Dear Max,
Your sons are both utilizing the experience you have given them. Also it sounds like there is much communication amongst the family. It's lack of communication in all walks of life which cause problems in the world. Looks like you have nothing to worry about!
I just commented on the entry above this but then reread your comment to me on my "Xanga Friends" entry. I like how you said I see the soul between the eyes. I can't remember where I first heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. When someone asks me what my favorite part of the body is, like when I would be assessing a woman's beauty for instance, I say the eyes with no hesitation. Too bad we can't see each other here in cyberspace. I think that's one of the reasons why I don't feel as if online friendships are "real' cause I can't "see" faces in real time!
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool
@baldmike2004 - I, as a geek, can tell you that seeing the eyes on webcam isn't much better...sometimes a person has to look at what is being written, and follow the pattern of thought, as it were.
In the walking world, there's no delete button...and in the printed world, there's very little stuttering..