Friday, 26 March 2010

• If I could turn back time...

  I read a Datingish article, Would Mommy Have Changed Her Mind If She Could See the Future? and found that, once again, my response was so damned huge it would have taken over the page...so I dragged it here.
  
  Hmmm...not just the article, but also the comments have given me much mental fodder to consume. Where to begin?
  
  I don't know how it was with Grumma - my paternal grandmother. I do know that she had married at least twice, and that it was my father's stepfather who had formally adopted my father. I know that she outlived him and married Gran'pa, and, at a later time, his health had begun to deteriorate. On their discovery about medical expenses - something about how, if they were married, he could not afford the care he needed...at any rate, they divorced on paper, but stayed with each other while he was in some form of nursing care. I was too young to digest all that much of it. I remember that I was a little kid, and I was being told to "hush" while racing around, as little kids are wont to do, at 1000 miles a minute, hopped up on taffy candies that were in the candy dish.
  
  Gran and Grunpa, from my mother's side, was a different story. Gran has always been a trip and a half, and a complete contrast to my mom in so many ways. It was Gran who pursued Grunpa - not the other way around. He bought her this 24ct metal stretch-band bracelet with a mother-of-pearl inlay that I have in my jewelry armoire at home, while they were dating. She popped The Question - but he said, "Not until after I get back", and went to the military. He came back, she said, "Now or never", and they wed - and he went to Korea.
  
  He came back as a father. Two more kids later, through their roller-coaster rides, they oftentimes laughed inappropriately, enjoyed misadventures in camping, and lived separate but happy lives under the same roof. What he said, goes, in that house - if it was okay with her [and, for the most part, it was - or she'd throw a zinger out to remind him how things are to be...]
  
  By the time they landed in Florida, their personalities became a "his" and "hers" world. His and hers walk-in closets, his and hers refrigerators [she was a health nut, he loved his calorie, sodium, preservative, and/or sugar - soaked processed foods], etc. - but theirs had always been unique. The love was undeniable - as was the bitter jibes they would send off to each other. Romantic? Nope. But they were still...er...active, even into their retirement years.
  
  Watch for the venetian blinds . If they are down, come back later.
  
  Mom, on the other hand...straight from a strict father to the Marines to dating my domineering father, to marriage and to my mother birthing my older sister eight months later while he was in Vietnam. I was born two and a half years later, on October 2, "ten days late", 10 lb, 08 oz. I was always told. Do the math. I was a New Year's memento.
  
  Lovely thing to grow up with, eh? They never said it, but in fourth grade, I kind of figured these things out...
  
  Gran never cared much for my father. Turns out he was not the greatest, but it took Mom 16 years to toss him on his ear, liquidate the house, give him his half of the cumulative the assets, pack his valuables to ship to his apartment, and cross-country it with my sister and me in tow in a Dodge Polaris and a Ford Pickup driven by "Uncle Jerry" - friend of Grunpa's. Two years later, in came my stepfather - a complete 180 degree turn from my conservative/disciplinarian/domineering/dear ol' Dad.
  
  13 years after that, my stepfather drank himself into oblivion, Mom couldn't stand to watch him self-destruct, so Mom divorced him. A year later, his self-destruction ended in hospice care. Mom made sure to be there to say goodbye, as it was obvious they still loved each other.
  
  I asked my mother and father, separately. if they would have done anything any differently. Both agreed that they probably would have split each other sooner, but would still want to have the kids they wound up with. I then asked my stepfather and mother - again, separately - if they would have done things different.
  
  My stepfather stated that half-raising me was, "an experience", and gave a wry grin above his peach navel sunrise drink. My mom kind of grinned wryly and let that question drift in the air.
  
  Gran'pa, Gramma, Grunpa, Gran, Dad, and my stepfather have all passed away now. I've a pair of awesome teen kids. I married my high school sweetheart, but decided on parenting and on marriage as separate issues, and the kids are well aware of this, to this day.
  
  The ex and I grew apart, and there's a long series of stories attached to that ending. Would I have done the same things, knowing then what I know now? I probably would have split from him sooner, but we all live and learn.
  
  I have two of the most awesome kids, despite their momma. I'm now married to the most wonderful man I could have hoped for, and even though we're closing in on 11 years with his last name tacked onto mine, he still refers to me as his "bride", rather than "wife" [or the more derogatory "ball and chain"].
  
  I don't regret the time I spent in my first marriage - there were a few good times, and a few Life Lessons to be learned along the way. I'm glad we split - but I wish it could have been a bit cleaner. I wouldn't change time if it changed where I am at right now.
  
  The kids are fast growing into fine young men, despite all my stumbles and blunders along the way. We're only human after all.
  
  There's a circle of friends I associate with, who I wouldn't have known or formed close ties with if I had not gone in the directions I had gone in.
  
  There's a bunch of little traditions that are established in the house that never would have been established without having gone this meandering path I took, so, no, I don't think I would have changed my mind.
  
  I know this is a longer answer than you wanted...I'm sure of it...but I felt [and feel] it's an answer that deserves its space.

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