Wednesday, 17 November 2010

• What is love?

  Heh. No, but I was wandering around the Xangasphere,when I saw a piece by mynameisblueskye@xanga titled A Man With Asperger's Finds the Logic in Love - and I went sort of into over-reply mode.

   

  Here:

  It's funny that this post comes up at this point in time. My youngest son, who is a teen with high functioning moderate autism, has made many of these exact points. He's watched his older brother in the young, on again/off again relationship circus for a long time, and wants nothing to do with any of it - and I can't blame him.

  He wants logic, and I've tried to explain the logic of my marriage to him - which seems to help?

  In a lot of ways, I have made the same observations. Mind you now, I'm forty and I've been married for greater than a decade, so I've a bit of time with my perception.

  It's somewhat like this: the "falling in love" thing that people hyper-obsess over - yeah, that's one heady, beautiful, scary, delightful thing - a roller coaster ride. The thing of it is, that part of it is - and should be - temporary - but you'll find moments here and there that are flush with the same emotional content, from time to time.

  The "in love" part - when the candies and the impulses fade and the coordinating two single lifestyles into a plural singularity - with a few quirks discovered along the way...that's the part where it get simultaneously amusing and irritating, beguiling and comforting. You start to develop a separate language entirely outside the frame of reference of people outside of the two of you. Sometimes, this is the scariest part - the, "Why are there no sparks??? Where did the whole pink-cloud-effect go???" - the whole dizzying thing that the "falling in love" part has faded, and a sense of well-worn comfortable begins to set in.

  This is when most couples fall into a trap of complacency...never a good thing.

  When time has passed on - if both in the couple have adamantly and actively decided to view the world through "we" lenses - suddenly, every now and then, there will be a flash of the old passions. If both hold and cherish these moments of passion, and remember at all times - even when fighting - to see through the rough patches as a couple - and avoid [at all costs] a "You vs me" attitude [fight fair, remember to say, "I love you", step back when the voices shout until you can talk together reasonably, etc.] - when you survive that much...you're not "falling", you're not "in" - you two share love, as is.

  Then, in the blink of an eye, you'll realize not only that time went so quickly...you'll also realize that ten years have elapsed...and, on looking at photographs from the times you two were first "in love", you'll have a greater appreciation for what you two have shared together - a second view, knowing your partner for so long and having long learned his/her habits, what it took to get to this place you two are at today.

  It's not about living your life hermetically sealed to your partner's side - it's about knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that s/he's always there for you - and knowing you'll always be there, in return.

  It's a scary ride, indeed. For me, it takes a hell of a lot of energy, time, and involvement just to actively give a crap about someone...to have made it for more than ten years is a trip and a half!

  One more thing: I don't always feel the need to hug...but I always have to drop a kiss on the forehead - or have it remembered for me.

  He sits on the computer in one room. I park myself in another. There's an open doorway. When there's something to share - we share it. When we fight, we punctuate at least one sentence with the words, "I love you" - both as a sign of respect and as a reminder that this fight is not a fight against each other, but a battle together towards a common goal. When there's something going on in feetball games, it's not my forte` - just like when there's something going on in the blogosphere, it's not his department - but if there's something noteworthy, we share it. When there's chocolates, we split them. When there's nothing much going on - we say our hellos, have our friends [few that are "ours" - most are either "his" or "mine"], hang with the kids, and live our lives.

  That, and always give a kiss before driving off, or first coming in.

  The logic is that in having a partner - once you, yourself, have managed to get established in your place in the world - having a partner to share life's experiences with, through a complementary set of eyes makes things just a little bit more fun, a little bit less scary, and a little bit more comfortable.

  That, and having household chores and costs divided is a nice bonus.

   

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